Two important questions to ask yourself after a breakup
How to establish and build “breakup-proof” relationships
Breakups are a common stage in modern-day relationships. It is important to take time after a breakup and reflect on why the relationship did not work out, and how you can build better relationships in future.
[bctt tweet=”Jumping into a new relationship before addressing pending issues that led to the split will only set you up for a lonely future.” username=”NairobiKnights”]
Here are some important questions to ask yourself:
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- What did I learn about myself from the breakup?
Christian counsellors Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend in their book “Safe People” advise people to ask this question after a failed relationship.
[bctt tweet=”Most of the time, people have a dating pattern that sets them up for failure in future relationships.” username=”NairobiKnights”]
When you look at your previous relationships, do you find a persistent behavior pattern in the people you date? Do they leave in the same manner? For instance, it is possible for a woman to find that she dates people who are abusive, irresponsible, unavailable, etc. As Dr Henry and Dr John say, such patterns reveal who we are and issues that need to be fixed before moving on to a new relationship. The quality of your relationship reveals a great deal about you.
- How did I contribute to the breakup?
People rarely take responsibility for misfortunes such as a failed relationship and end up blaming the other person for their problems. An irresponsible person will always blame his/her ex for “nagging,” “always resenting me,” while a critic will blame their partner for “not doing the right thing,” “willfully hurting me.”
These are just some of the underlying character problems and the natural ways that people react to hurt. Unless the critic or the irresponsible person changes, such comments will never cease. Jumping from one relationship to another without addressing these character flaws will only keep recycling the problems – and more breakups.
[bctt tweet=”Building a healthy relationship takes a lot of personal effort and time.” username=”NairobiKnights”]
Relationships are supposed to be fulfilling and long-lasting. If you are the kind that jumps from one relationship to another, you have serious character flaws that will deny you the joy of a happy companionship. Sometimes it pays to take some time alone and reflect on who you are. Take stock of your past relationships, analyse your character through the quality of the relationships you’ve had and take the necessary action.
[bctt tweet=”We are all a work in progress but progress begins with the admission of guilt. ” username=”NairobiKnights”]
If you have character flaws that prevent you from building progressive relationships, take a pause, find a good mentor or counselor who will help you deal with your weaknesses.
(Ideas borrowed from the book “Safe People: How to find relationships that are good for you and avoid those that aren’t” by Dr Henry and Dr John.)